


overwhelmed and insecure (just give me something)

by lucylikestowrite



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Ava is insecure as fuck, Episode Tag, F/F, It's sweet, Post-Episode: s03e16 I Ava, They talk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 14:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14114166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lucylikestowrite/pseuds/lucylikestowrite
Summary: You’re as real as I feel about you.That’s what Sara had said.





	overwhelmed and insecure (just give me something)

**Author's Note:**

> okay so i woke up at 6am (british time lol the woes of being an international fan) and then couldn't get back to sleep and then watched the episode and then i NEEDED to write something so i wrote this but please bear in mind that i had, according to my fitbit, exactly 4 hours 33 minutes of sleep and i wrote this in all of two hours so it is..... probably not up to my ~usual standard, whatever that may be. like i honest to god haven't really edited it, and i never usually write and post on the same day. it's just. something.
> 
> title is from shawn mendes' new song in my blood which i listened to once, then realised it was a breakup song and so automatically about avalance and then listened to it about fifty million more times, as i am wont to do

_You’re as real as I feel about you._

That’s what Sara had said.

At the time, Ava hadn’t had time to process it, hadn’t had time to think about what it meant, because everything was happening all at once, and her mind had been racing at a million miles an hour.

But she remembered that Sara had looked at her the way that she’d done before, before they’d broken up, her eyes soft, reassuring.

Her hand on Ava’s arm had felt the same as well.

But Ava wasn’t sure if anything was real, not anymore.

She couldn’t be sure, could never be sure again.

They’d had to get out of there, though. She’d had to get _Sara_ out of there, because Sara was real, even if she wasn’t and so she’d let herself believe, at least for a moment, that everything would be okay.

Now, though. Now that they’re back on the Waverider, she can’t stop this feeling from spreading through her, this feeling that Sara had only said what she’d said to stop Ava from breaking down, right there and then.

Because Sara knew her (or, at least, knew the person that Ava was pretending to be). Knew that if she hadn’t calmed Ava down, they all would’ve died.

Ava wants to believe that Sara was telling the truth, but it’s hard to take. It’s hard to believe that Sara felt something for her.

She’d always had trouble believing that people really cared for her. That insecurity had only been confirmed when she’d thought she had something with Sara, and then Sara had broken up with her, shattering that illusion.

So, it’s not hard to tell herself that Sara just said whatever she needed to to get them out of there.

Even if it had sounded real. Even if Sara’s voice had been so convincing, so welcome and sounding so much like home, like what she’d been missing this past week.

Even if, now, Sara is looking at her like nothing has changed, which is ridiculous, because everything has changed.

Sara is looking at her like none of this has happened.

It’s too much. Ava downs the glass. The tingling feeling that spreads around her body is, somehow, almost a reminder that she’s real. As if losing control is the one thing that confirm that she’s not, at least not entirely, fake.

Sara is still looking at her, that same damn look on her face. Like Ava’s the best thing she’s ever seen.

Like Sara’s in love with her.

She puts the glass down. She can’t think. Her hand goes to her head, and Sara’s face twists in concern.

“Are you okay?” Sara asks, and her voice is so filled with worry, with care, that Ava almost breaks down, right there.

Ava sits back down, before her legs betray her for the second time today, and give out.

“I don’t know what’s real anymore,” Ava says.

Sara sighs, crouching down so that their eyes are level. “I thought we already went through this,” she says, a tiny smile on her face.

She’s still joking. Somehow, she’s joking. Ava doesn’t know whether that makes her feel better or worse.

“I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that can be ironed out in one conversation,” Ava says, her voice hopeless.

The smile leaves Sara’s face, her expression turning serious, a hand going to Ava’s arm. “No. I know. I’m sorry-”

“No. Don’t be. That’s not what I meant- You don’t-” Ava stopped, sighing. “I need to know if you meant what you said, earlier.”

Her heart is pounding out of her chest, and she’s not sure she’s breathing anymore.

Sara’s fingers are still on the sleeve of Ava’s jacket, making absent-minded motions. The touch is so casual, so instinctive, and, for a second, it consumes Ava’s whole mind, every ounce of her being focused on this connection between them.

Then Sara sees her staring, follows her gaze.

Ava almost thinks that she’s about to pull away, but something flashes behind Sara’s eyes, and she doesn’t.

Instead, Sara moves closer, shifting forward, the space between them getting smaller.

“What I said when, exactly? I said a lot of things. It’s been kind of a day,” Sara says, and Ava almost, almost laughs at this, because that’s the understatement of the century.

It’s been the day to end all days.

Maybe the worst day of her life.

She shakes her head at that thought, because she doesn’t even have a life anymore. Any memories she has are fake. Or, at least, any memories of before the Time Bureau are fake.

The only thing she can know is real is her time there. Her time with Rip, and Gary, and Director Bennett.

And her time with Sara.

Her time with Sara, which had ended too soon.

Maybe this isn’t the worst day of her life. Because, somehow, this day, this terrible, terrible day, has made the breakup even worse. She didn’t think that was possible.

The breakup had wrecked her, more than she thought it could.

And yet, now, with this knowledge she had now, that she wasn’t even who she thought she was, somehow it was worse.

Not only did she not have Sara anymore, but she didn’t even have herself.

“Ava?”

Ava snaps out of it. Sara is still focused on her, even when Ava was lost in thought. Still there. Still looking at her like she really does care.

“When you said I was as real as how you feel about me, did you- Did you mean you still have feelings for me?” Ava’s voice is somehow both rushed and hesitant at the same time. “Because I- I- Because I understand if you don’t. If that was just something you- said, you know. To get me out of there. Get us all out of there. But I just need to know. If you meant that. If that was real. If you think _I’m_ real. If you still have feelings for me.”

Sara opens her mouth, but Ava is hardly even paying attention, just keeps talking, the words spilling out of her.

“It’s just that _you_ broke up with _me_ , and I’ve been playing that over and over in my head, trying to convince myself to stop being in love with you, and it’s _hard_ , and it's even harder trying to tell myself that now that you've said you have... feelings and I just… if you didn’t mean it, you should just tell me now.” She pauses, and then when she speaks again, her voice is low, as she tries to regulate her tone, tries to hold back tears, gritting her teeth. “Because if you didn’t, then that’s _fine_. I won’t mind. I would get that. This is all a lot, and I _know_ that I shouldn’t expect anything. I just need to know if you meant what you said.”

She knows that she wouldn’t be fine with it, would be the furthest possible from fine, but she has to let Sara know that she's not forcing anything. Has to make sure Sara gives her an honest answer, not just the one she thinks Ava wants to hear.

Sara is looking at her like she’s some sort of miracle.

“You’re in love with me?” Sara asks, her voice tinged with disbelief.

“What?”

“You said you were in love with me,” Sara says, and her voice almost breaks.

“God, Sara. Obviously.” That wasn’t the part Ava had hoped Sara would focus on. She thought that was a given, thought Sara knew how deep she had fallen, how fast. She didn’t think that had ever been in doubt. “Obviously,” she repeats, because Sara is still looking shocked.

“I broke up with you.” Sara says this almost like a question, like she’s confused.

Ava panics. “I know. I know that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put any pressure on you. It just kind of came out. I just needed to be honest, and I-”

“No,” Sara says. “Stop talking.”

Ava does, her mouth dry, her heart beating out of time.

The hand on Ava’s arm grips tighter.

Sara’s eyes are still locked on Ava’s, still staring, still searching.

And then they drift downwards.

Ava catches her breath. She can’t move. She doesn’t dare move, doesn’t dare hope.

Sara’s lips part, and Ava is still stuck.

She’s vaguely aware of her hands, gripping the arms of the chair she is in so tight she wonders if she’ll make marks.

Sara leans forward, and they’re closer than they’ve been since they broke up, their faces inches apart.

“I meant what I said,” Sara says.

Her hand leaves Ava’s arm. Ava watches it. When it settles on her neck, her eyes close. A tear falls down her cheek.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Sara continues, her voice so quiet it’s hardly more than a whisper.

And then she does. Her lips are on Ava’s, and it feels like coming home, like falling easily back into something that feels so natural that it _has_ to be real.

Sara’s mouth is soft. There is a bite of alcohol on her tongue, but then again they both taste like it.

Ava wonders, briefly, her mind automatically thinking the worst, if this is only happening because Sara is drunk, but she knows that Sara can hold her alcohol better than that.

But then Sara presses in closer, her mouth falling open, her hands urgent, and any doubts Ava has are blown away.

The angle is awkward, though, Sara still crouching down next to the chair, and, without even thinking, without breaking the kiss, Ava is changing that, pulling Sara up, across, settling her in her lap.

Sara goes easily.

When she eventually pulls away, Sara’s face is the best thing Ava has ever seen. Her fingers stay where they are, resting on Ava’s skin, when she talks. “I guess it just took me an army of all these women who weren’t you to make me realise how much of an idiot I’d been.”

“I don’t want to talk about them,” Ava says, trying to shrink away, but Sara doesn’t let her, her arms strong, keeping Ava close.

“We’re going to have to.”

Ava makes a face.

“It’s not a bad thing,” Sara says. “Promise. It’s just…. A thing. I’ve had loads of things in the past. My ex was an assassin.”

“ _You_ were also an assassin,” Ava points out, but she’s almost smiling, because somehow, Sara is distracting her.

Sara shrugs. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. I don’t care about it, or your past. I just care about you.”

“You told me that I should care about _your_ past.”

“That’s different,” Sara says, dismssing it quickly. “You didn’t choose this.”

Ava’s not sure it’s so different, but she doesn’t push it. They’ll have time to talk about this later. In the future.

In this future that is all of a sudden there again.

Sara is silent for a second, and then she smiles. “So you made an Upswipz account?”

Ava groans. “For the record, I would never usually do something like that.”

Sara is still grinning. “Do something as utterly terrible as make a dating profile? Scandalous.”

“I felt like I was cheating on you!” Ava says, indignant. “I felt horrible.”

“Did you at least get some hot rebound sex out of it?”

Ava gapes. “What do you think?”

“I think you’re adorable. I’ve never had an ex confess to me that they made an account on a dating app and expect me to be _mad,_ ” Sara says, a smile on her face like she’s still not quite believing this is happening. 

Ava’s hands around Sara’s waist tighten.

“What was I supposed to think?” Ava asks. “You were looking at me like I’d just told you I killed a puppy. I could only assume it was because-”

Sara cuts her off, pressing another kiss to her lips.

She pulls away.

“I love you," Sara says, breathing it out like a prayer.

“You do?”

“Don’t let me forget that again.”

“Okay,” Ava says. “Okay."

And maybe it will be.

**Author's Note:**

> @_avasharpe on twitter, directoravasharpe.tumblr.com on tumblr


End file.
